If you attend any wedding or any other formal occasion in Scotland you will come across many men wearing a skirt – otherwise known as a kilt. Have you ever wondered why they wear their purse or “Sporan” hanging down the front of their kilt? Sure, they don’t have pockets but really it is there specifically to hide the bulge made by their genitalia. Presumably it is considered embarrassing in polite company to present everybody with a hint that behind this item of clothing is a flaccid (hopefully) phallus.

With men’s clothing and fashion, unless you are a male sprinter wearing Lycra shorts, this is often the only time this problem “arises!” Men’s trousers have an inbuilt bulge which serves to hide the offending appendage. Suits are even cut to take account of whether you “dress” to the left or the right, ie. does your penis hang down your left leg or your right leg?/ ‘

As a Transwoman there are a few parts of my body that I do not feel comfortable with, but hopefully you will understand when I say that my penis is one of those! I do not want it to hang down either leg, tailored or not. Last time l wore a kilt, I wore it without a sporan because l did not have that problem. And I did not have a bulge either, I am thankful to say.

Which brings me on to my tucking advice.

l. Gaffer Tape

When I first started out on this long and tortuous journey l read everything I could find on how to hide the fact that I had a penis. Several articles that I now know were written by drag queens extolled the virtues of “Gaffer” or “Duck” tape. Two of them actually suggested wrapping the end of the penis in toilet paper so that the tape would not stick to it. All advised shaving all pubic hair off otherwise removal would be really messy!

There are obviously problems with this method, not least that the whole thing has to be undone and removed every time you need to go to the toilet. This is obviously OK if you are doing a performance for an evening, control your liquid intake and take it all off of the end. But it is obviously not a solution if you do it for the whole day and only have a 2 min time slot to go to the toilet at any one time. I suspect that, wearing duck tape next to your skin all day, every day, would cause a rash problem for a reasonable percentage of the population. So let’s not even go there. It could get quite sticky! And the thought of removing it……

2. Inguinal Canals.

The main difficulty with removing the “crotch bulge” is that the only place to put it is between the legs, otherwise, with any form of tight clothing at all, an outline will be visible. In order to do this it is necessary to move the testicles out of the way! Now, the obvious thing to do would be to have them cut off, but this is often regarded as major surgery by a lot of people and not really achievable when getting ready for a day out.

Fortunately there is another solution!

When a baby is born with testicles, generally the testicles are held within the abdomen, not generally moving down into the scrotum until childhood. In fact, as “boys” that was the reason that we had to cough, in the past, while a nurse felt our ball bag. She was checking that both were there! In fact, one of my earliest memories is that one of mine wasn’t. At age seven, I had to go to hospital and lie on a bed while a doctor manipulated one of them, making it drop.

The journey that testicle made was through the Inguinal Canal. Nowadays I spend some effort each day making both my balls travel in the opposite direction. Those of you with testicles who have swum in very cold water will have experienced the feeling of “shrinkage” in the ball department. In fact this is a safety device, designed to protect the sperm. Some say that if you push them far enough up you can pass them out of the other end of the canal.

I have never managed this!

That does not mean I won’t keep trying though.

Probably the easiest way to try this is to lie flat on your bed with your knees up and wide apart, if you can put the soles of your feet together that is ideal. Now, with your fingers, press gently on one testicle; move it gently around, all the time pressing it towards the small of your back until you find that it “settles” then push a little harder towards the small of your back and it will disappear! It can feel quite strange at first and a little uncomfortable but most people get used to it, Mine ached after a couple of hours at first but now they are rarely allowed out, even at night. There probably needs to be a health warning here: if you are intending to parent children then leaving your testicles inside your body for too long is not good for your sperm count. There is a reason why they hang down outside your body!

3. Gaffs

When I first started “tucking” this is the method I used. I had heard the word and searched for it on Google. There are some really great videos out there on how to do this, cleverly showing no flesh, often over the top of jeans. But to cut a long story short, you need a pair of tights. Do not go out and buy some, because you need old tights, ones with ladders in, ones that you don’t mind attacking with a pair of scissors!

Firstly, cut off the waist band. You will also need a section of lower leg about 15 cm (6 inches) long. Through this short tube pass one side of the waist band so that the tube is in the middle with effectively two loops, one one each side of the tube. Put one leg in each of the loops, making sure that the waistband is not twisted inside the tube,

This is where the inguinal canals now come into their own. Finding the most comfortable way of doing so, (I usually lie on my back on the bed though a good one is to sit on a wooden seat, or stool, or coffee table) push each testicle into its Inguinal Canal. One you have done this, you will be able to feel them under your mons pubis,safely out of the way. At this point, you can now pull your (empty) scrotal sack backwards, between your legs and flatten your penis backwards over it.

Carefully, holding everything in place with one hand pull the gaff up with the other. l find it works best if you pull the front up too high first, which then means that as you pull the back up tight it forces everything into place. You are now wearing your first gaff! Finally, I put the rear part of the waistband between my buttocks, effectively turning it into a thong, and usually put a pair of knickers on top,

Or a bikini if I am sunbathing!

4. Shapewear

I wore gaffs for months but my wife and children got fed up with having to sort out waist bands and little tubes of nylon from the washing pile. So I needed to find something else.

I haven’t worn men’s underwear for years and, to be honest, have absolutely no intention whatsoever to do so again. But my life really changed for the better when I bought a cheap equivalent of Spanx Pants!

The relief was almost instantaneous. I loved them. For the first time ever, I could look down at myself and be happy with what l saw and felt. I could tuck everything away so tightly and neatly that I couldn’t feel my penis there at all. This threatened to cause a bit of a problem because all I wanted to do was constantly feel myself down there, I was so happy!

This is how I feel now. I wear them to bed. I wear them all day! No longer do I have a bulge down the front of my trousers. So, even when l am dressed as a man (pretty much all the time) inside l feel like a woman.

l. Love. Them.

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