Have you ever looked at a women walking past and thought “I like what she is wearing? That looks really comfortable!”
Have you felt your biological clock ticking, when talking to a pregnant woman brings out feelings of jealousy that are so strong you cannot speak about them?
Do you sit around chatting with your girlfriends and laughing about how silly men’s conversations are?
These all happen to me. All the time! Nothing unusual in that at all, apart from the fact that I am a 55-year-old man who, until now, has always said that he is a man, always thought of himself as a man. I have never been comfortable with the role of the male, and have always felt left out by my friends when they talk about pregnancy, labour, childbirth, periods and all the other things that serve as a bond between women. Some may say that these are silly things to be jealous of, indeed many would see them as the downside of being a woman, but they are the things a person born with male genitalia can never have. Others may classify this as a simple case of the grass being greener on the other side of the sexual street. This could indeed be the case and I may not actually find out one way or another but I am at the point of beginning to explore what this all means, for me, for my family, for my colleagues and for my body.
I have been experimenting a little bit, of which more in future posts and have realised that this part of me wants to be public. It is difficult to imagine life being made easier by the two parts being public side by side so, while I am exploring, and luxuriating in, my newly acknowledged femininity I have decided to do so in the internet ether.
I have never written a blog before so have no idea how well it will be done or how often but there is only one way to find out!
One of my earliest memories is of talking to my mother about what my name would have been if I had been a girl. I can still, at least forty years later, feel the sense of loss as I realised that R____ was the name I should have had, and the feeling of jealousy as my younger cousin was called R____. She had got my name. And finally, years later, my brother married a R____. My sister-in-law actually has my full name.
So allow me to introduce myself. My name is Charlotte Angharad J….. I have started this journey with my wife, a very special wife who has taken the whole thing in her stride. She is not over enthused about being the butch one in our relationship, but it makes me laugh. Perhaps the whole journey will be just the two of us but I am hoping some of you will join me along the way. Where we are going is still to be decided but the scenery is changing all the time.