Self Harm, Part II


I said in my previous post that I would discuss hurting myself in my next post, so here it is.

Not long after I came out to my wife I noticed a very distinct burning sensation, literally starting in my right testicle and moving through my urethra. I remember feeling hopeful that, because I had to have an ultrasound scan, this would turn out to be a serious problem which would necessitate the removal of of both my testicles. My disappointment when it turned out to be a very minor infection which had cleared up before my scan was shocking to me and my wife. I had never before physically felt sick about a part of my body but this was quite a change as I have been feeling this more and more.

Now, as a closeted trans woman, there are various parts of my body that I hate. These would include my genitalia, my body hair (which is increasing ffs!), my musculature, my voice, my facial hair and my shape. This is by no means an exclusive list and I am also aware that there will be many non-trans people out there who would be able to put together a similar list.

Whatever your views on plastic surgery, this self-hatred is destructive and difficult to live with. This is exacerbated because my wife, my lovely, supportive and generous wife, is not bisexual. All the parts of me that turn her on are the parts of me that I despise.

I am still a sexual being, but in my mind I am a woman in a relationship with a woman. Loving her like that is what turns me on. I feel sexy if I am in bed with my breasts on. She does not. This, from time to time, can create a tension which can make the air around us feel statically charged.

The only way I can deal with this is to sleep whilst compressing my genitalia. I either wear shapewear in bed, effectively tucking all night with my testicle inside the inguinal canals. This can cause them to ache but that ache allows me to sleep. If I do not have shapewear available, I use ordinary knickers, but pull the front down and behind my scrotum thus cutting off some of the blood flow. My most successful night was when I had a numb scrotum in the morning.

Published by Charlotte

Closeted Transwoman.

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