About 2 months ago, in the bath, my wife discussed my funeral – a bit premature you may think as I am only just 56. But her point was this: if I died, at my funeral she would have to announce that I was being buried in my best frock! To be honest, I don’t want to be buried in my best frock, it is far too flouncy for travelling through whatever comes after this life. I would far rather be wearing a skirt, tights, Doctor Martins and a nice top!
Her point, however, was that this seemed to her to be unfair as everybody would then know that I was in the wrong body and the only person not to see their reactions and answer their questions would be me. So perhaps it would be fairer if I were to come out, declare to the world that I was trans, but not transition at all!
This required some thinking about as I knew my answer had to be really honest. I didn’t even discuss it when the suggestion was first made because I didn’t have any idea what I thought about it at all. On one hand, I could finally tell people who I really was. On the other, I had to give up all thoughts of transitioning at all. No voice coaching, no hormones, no out in public in nail varnish, make-up, heels ……….
On the other hand, I would be out, no more secrets.
I didn’t realise how hard this was going to be to write! It has been ten days in the writing so far and not even remotely ready for publication. So, I am just going to get on with it! rough and ready, but I am beyond caring now!
After several weeks, I came to the conclusion that I had to agree. I did not want to lose my wife, but I did want people to know at least a part of the real me and this would allow that. We agreed that I would tell people who I was and that who I told was my choice, but that this was dependant on my wife not worrying anymore about how I would be dressed when we went out or, to some extent, when we were at home.
So, two weeks ago I told my line manager. And she was lovely, in fact she said she felt proud that she was the first person I had told. Other people said I was brave, but I didn’t feel brave. I just felt as if I had to tell her. I felt some element of relief that, finally, I was going to be out there.
But, and there is a but …..
I thought I would feel elation, and I don’t.
I feel disappointed, because I can still only tell people who I am, not show them. At the moment it is only disappointment so hopefully I can work on that, but this is the reason why I have not written.