I shaved my legs this morning!
To be honest I have let myself go since going back to work so there was a lot of tidying up to do. The downside of this is that it can take some time, though I was in a friends lovely shower so it was no hardship. The upside is that I love the feeling of freshly shaved legs. They feel so different! So, to enhance this, I got out the pair of nylon tights I always travel with and put them on under my jeans. Bliss. It makes me feel so feminine wearing tights. And nobody knows.
I always have a pair of woolly tights and a pair of nylon tights packed for time away. It’s the best way to feel girly and warm!
I have an appointment for the Gender Identity Clinic on Thursday (January 30th) at 1:30 PM!
Resolution 2: tick
Now Resolution 3 is urgent!
During the last six years I have become increasingly aware of how important the teenage and pre-teen years are. This is when boys and girls experiment with looks, ethics, beliefs, attitude and many other things. For most this is an experience that will set them on a path for life, helping to shape career, orientation, status, conformity non-conformity, femininity or masculinity regardless of gender. For a few, like me, this is not quite the case.
True, I have my ethics, my lack of belief in a deity, my politics, my shyness. All formed during my teenage years. But I also have my masculinity. Even though I was more comfortable with girls/women and even though I think it was easier being a teenager then (in the late 70s/early 80s), you still had to survive in the pack. In those days, it was not done to be openly gay or effeminate, certainly where I was growing up. Don’t get me wrong, these people were there and I was in awe of their bravery, but I was not that brave and I had to survive!
But now I realise that that teenage angst, which makes them so difficult to live with, pretty much moulds everything about them: how they stand, sit, lounge, move their arms, cross their legs, answer questions, put their point of view across (or not), talk to people of their own gender, talk to people of the opposite gender, flirt with men, flirt with women, handwriting, length of stride, the step pattern, walking in general, hand gestures, cadence of voice, laugh, in jokes, films seen, role models, fashion, make-up, hobbies, standing, gestures when speaking.
As a closeted transwoman, I find myself gong through a second puberty, not through hormones, but purely through realising how much I have to learn from my new peers. The problem with that is my peers are not teenagers and are not programmed for those conversations, learning exepriences and experimentation. They did that decades ago, and it was exhausting then and they are certainly not going to relive it again thank you very much. What to do?
I read vorasciously anyway and with the rise of Young Adult (YA) books there is plenty to choose from. I have read a lot by trans authors, though often these are frustrating as they usually have the lead character magically beginning to transition with no intervention but magic. I am sure that there are many of us out there who wish that that could happen but personally, I live in the real world. Having said that, if anybody knows how to activate the magic so that my boy bits can gradually morph into girl bits, could you please let me know? I would be eternally grateful.
Fortunately there are a large number of coming of age young women novels. The most recent ones I have read are by Jenny Han. I really enjoyed “To All the Boys I have Ever Loved”. I saw the film first but reading the book afterwards was still great as there were enough differences that you still wanted to turn the page. This was also the first of a trillogy and I enjoyed the next two just as much, if not even more. I have also read Jenny Han’s “The Summer I Turned Pretty”. Different characters, different story, but just as good.
I am learning from my friends on the written page. Maybe not as good as going through puberty with other teenagers but you have to make the best of what you have got.
When I was a child I wore pyjamas. It was what you did! We often got them for Christmas, all three children with a different coloured pair. I hated them. They were made of Nylon, which made you sweat, but worse, because they were Nylon, they twisted round your body when you turned over and were extremely uncomfortable. I rebelled at the age of eleven and slept naked for 40 years.
But for the last 5 years I have suffered from night sweats. I can wake up in the middle of winter with my sheets and quilt soaking in a body-shaped patch, and everything sticking to me. The first few times I was mortified because I thought I had wet myself. Oh my God, imagine starting to pee the bed again at 51. Nightmare! Fortunately it was that, but I was sweating out a huge amount which was pretty disgusting in a similar way. I had no idea what to do about it.
Until, that is, I took a group of primary children away on a trip. Now, in the past I had always worn shorts when on these trips as, obviously, sleeping in the nude is not a good idea when you are on call at any time of the day or night, particularly when those in your care are under 10! This time, I wore a pair of leggings and a long T-shirt. What a revelation! Both were stretchy and tight fitting and therefore did not wrap themselves around me. Both were absorbent so they had kept my sheets dry and, because they hugged my body, it did not feel as if I was sleeping in a puddle. What a revelation.
I have not slept in the nude since. I have several bodycon dresses that I wear as nighties. I have night shirts that I wear with leggings. I have women’s P.J.s that I love. And of course, i wear my compression knickers underneath.
Because we wouldn’t want a bulge would we?
I am a step closer to achieving (2) as I have found the letter asking me to make my follow-up GIC appointment.
It would seem that I have already been prevaricating for 3 1/2 months. I will send an email tomorrow!
I have cut right back down on my sugar intake over the last couple of days. This is good as a type 2 diabetic!
I read an article about on line diaries today and how hard they are to keep. In it there was one bit about blogging “One Good Thing” each day.
Resolution 4: I will blog one good thing each day.
My good thing today: I have finished series 2 of “The Marvelous Mrs Maisel” on Amazon Prime. I am loving it!
I took my nail varnish off today. My Gel Varnish done with UV light and great care. My purple varnish that changes colour in different light. My nail varnish that makes my hands look really feminine (in a certain light and after a lot of hand cream).
There are many reasons why I love nail varnish:
(1) I love the way it makes my hands look (see above);
(2) I love the way it makes my nails look because the are wide, ridged and scarred, with nailbeds so damaged (see (3) below) that the white bits on some fingers start half way up. They are, to be honest, an old man’s nails, not even an old woman’s. With varnish I can shape them into thin, delicate woman’s nails;
(3) It stops me picking my nails! I remember having my nails cut in the house we moved from when I was 11 and my mother cutting one too short. Short enough that it hurt. I remember worrying and picking at that nail, you know how it is when something is a bit sore and starts to heel, a scab you have to pick, an itch you have to scratch. After that I never really had to have my nails cut again. Now, don’t get me wrong, I did not bite my nails (well hardly ever, that damaged the cuticles too much and made the bleed!), I picked them. Until they were raw. Fingers and toes! For 40 odd years. Until the day I put on nail varnish. And felt my nails. They were no longer flaky (a by-product of long term picking), they did not split every time you felt them and they grew!
(4) I love the way it makes my nails feel, the heaviness, the smoothness, the hardness.
But I got back to work the day after tomorrow and so have to return to stealth. So tomorrow I will put on clear varnish, 2 layers and a top coat. This does not satisfy (1) and (2) but it does for (3) and (4). And two out of four ain’t bad. Not great, but not bad!
Good first her. Stand up to the Press by coming out to the world before they can print their tawdry story.
This is the sort of politician we want.